From: laurence@cco.caltech.edu (Dustin Lee Laurence)
Newsgroups: rec.games.board
Subject: Re: The Gulf War (long, truly silly)
Date: 24 Oct 1993 02:16:34 GMT

jfong@bcarh51b.bnr.ca (Jay Fong) writes:

>Hi there,

>  Has anyone out there heard of or tried, a game by a Canadian company called
>the Golf War?  If you have, can you please tell me a bit about it?  It looked
     ^^^^
>interesting but the box itself wasn't too descriptive.

Golf War is a facinating game of war, mayhem, intrigue, diplomacy, and
role-playing on an imaginary (and somewhat improbable) golf course
sometime in the not-too-distant future.

The game starts as the players take various personae who are playing
golf at an exclusive country club which occupies the center of the
mapboard.  Most of the scoring is based on the character's performance
at the actual game of golf, so in this preliminary phase it is crucial
to snap up as many points as possible before the shooting starts.  The
Golf Pro character, in particular, will (with luck) be able to snap up
enough points to remain viable during the later game, where he is at a
disadvantage.

I found the golf rules to be a bit too realistic and detailed; using
the viscous drag rules to determine the distance a ball flys is a real
pain.  Also, the course is something of a cross between regular golf
and miniature golf; who ever heard of a golf course with huge windmill
obstacles?  The March Hare, which tends to appear and steal balls, can
be a real annoyance.  The worst, though, is the Don Quixote counter,
which tends to do incredible mayhem with a lance against unarmed golfers
who stray too close to the windmill that he claims for his own foe.
The luck factor in all this is thankfully controlled by the fact that
players can play cards to deflect the good Knight's attention to another
player.  A similar mechanism to control the action of the Klingon
Landing Party would be a considerable improvement.

Each turn, the wind direction is rolled for; prevailing winds are
eastward, but soon enough the die will bring it around to the west.
This brings with it the fumes from the department of defense chemical
warfare plant, which is undergoing a disaster of the first magnitude.
This is when our peaceful golfers turn into homicidal maniacs, and the
real fun begins.

Each character has an array of special abilities, which is much of the
fun of the game.  The General can call in one artillery barrage per game
 from the military base to the north, while The Admiral can call in one
air strike from the carrier battle group stationed in the ocean to the
south.  The extra turn delay in resolving the air strike is balanced
by the fact that the Admiral's Marines are slightly tougher than the
General's Soldiers.

The Mad Slasher has a horrifying array of edged weapons, and an
absolutely horrifying Personal Combat rating, Arnold Action (a clear
Arnold S. rip-off) has an assault rifle with two clips, and The Tree-
Trimmer has a ghastly gasoline-powered tree trimmer which pretty much
dismembers whatever it is used on.  A good strategy, by the way, is to
play off the Slasher and Trimmer players off against each other, so
that their ferocious weapons are mostly waved at each other.  They make
unstoppable allies once Arnold has used up his ammo, but this is
usually not a game-winning tactic because the alliance immediately
becomes the target of every "Allies quarrel" chit on the board.  Their
high Temper ratings ensure that if the quarrel is re-inforced with a
second chit in the Psychological Warfare phase of the following turn,
the results will be spectacular indeed.

If playing the Trimmer, keep to the woods, because the +4 Defensive
modifier for the Trimmer in Woods is crucial for survival--the fact
that the character is deaf from years of handling power tools makes
him a sucker for an Ambush otherwise.  The Slasher, seemingly invincible,
is actually rather weak because of his high Berserk rating.  But he is
often the kingmaker, since he can expect to take out at least one other
player of his choosing while berserk, and the sheer joy that most players
seem to find in directing his homicidal tendancies makes him a popular
choice.

The Diplomat is actually one of the most powerful characters; he makes
up for his lack of high-caliber weaponry by his ability to talk his
way out of almost anything; he often peacefully plays golf while the
blood flows around him, stopping occasionally to duck a particularly
determined attacker.  His ability to break other alliances make him an
even more powerful ally.  I find it useful to use him to direct the
affections of the Movie Starlet to make the other players miss carefully
chosen turns.  As a historical simulation, though, the rules do not
reflect the actual situation.  We use a secret Diplomatic Mission rule
to keep the Diplomat from taking advantage of the Oil Sheik too often,
and to inject some realistic uncertainly as to what the Diplomat's
actual objectives are.

Another popular choice is the Course Owner, since (like the Trimmer)
he knows the entire mapboard well and can in addition command the
Lawnmower Panzers (big riding lawnmowers, used as assault vehicles).
The graphics for what happens to someone ridden down by these mad
vehicles is stomach-churning.  However, their tendancy to explode when
hit in the gas tank (a location rolled surprisingly often) keeps them
from sweeping the course and ensures that they must be used with care
and not committed to battle too early or too often.  I have found that
when they are used, however, it is better to commit all the Heavy
Mowers and retain only two or three Light Mowers to defend the Owner.
You need to destroy the opposition before they can roll some gasoline
criticals, and if the Owner is flanked you should load him onto a
light mower and get away while the other covers the escape rather than
try to fight.  The great mobility of a mower almost guarantees an
escape, if the player is clever enough to stay on the relatively open
terrain near the center.  Avoid roughs and woods like the plague, as
mechanical breakdowns can be fatal.

The Pro, as we mentioned, is rather weak in the later game, but his
deadly Accuracy rating with the plastique-filled golf balls is often
enough to hold out for a decisive victory on points.  The subtleties
of winning play as The Pro are best left to the experts who understand
the delicate positional play involved.

Overall strategy revolves around timing and careful use of the monetary
rules; many players pay too little attention to the state of the
International Monetary Fund chart until they find themselves unable to
invest in further weapons from the International Arms Dealer (who should
_never_ be attacked by less than overwhelming force; the +8 column
shifts for his guards are brutal beyond belief--if you can sack his
booth, though, you should have a good shot at a decisive solo victory).

The rules are entertainingly written, but ambiguities remain.  Rule
9.2.34 clearly states that the Hail Mary division of militant nuns from
the Abbey to the southwest use Vehicle Mounted Weapons rules for their
cream-pie howitzer, but rule 23.7.1a-c clearly indicates that _all_ non-
handheld infantry weapons must use the Artillery Fire Table.  Neither
alternative seems to capture the historical performance of the weapon
anyway, marring an otherwise admirably realistic simulation.  Also, does
the x2 Sneak-And-Slash bonus while inside the Crystal Palace also apply
to the Pro while using his #2 wood as a hand weapon?  Presumably so,
from the wording, but this makes it too easy for the Pro to hole up in
the castle and try to outlast the other players.  We play that the wood
merely counts as a Weighted Weapon From Behind, which both balances
things and seems to reflect the realities of the situation.  The biggest
difficulty, however, are the Alchemy rules, which neither make sense nor
capture the "feel" which experienced gamers expect.  The magic system
used by the Faerie Horde is a bit better, but don't expect either to be
as good as the elegant Djinn rule.

However, I should applaud the rules writer on his social awareness;
gender neutral language is used throughout, hopefully making women feel
more welcome as participants in the wholesale slaughter, a goal which
seems to be of some importance to the author.  "Women are wargaming's
little sugar-cakes", he notes, "and we should do more to make the sweet
things welcome to quit primping in the bathroom and play with the men.
Besides, they sure look better than the average convention gamer at
three A.M."

It is explained that the Horde of Hottentots which bedevil many a
winning player late in the game are "...brave and mighty warriors whose
peaceable nature is only exceeded by their desire to wreak justice on
the decendants of the shirt-tail relations of the Dead White Male
oppressors who unjustly incorporated their ancestral homeland into a
vicious and degrading Colonial system."  The author is also careful to
note that "The Blonde Bombshell is actually a victim of a male-dominated
society which only valued her for her appearance," and that "she still
dreams of going to college and completing her degree in numerical
magneto-hydrodynamics while paying her own way by jello-wrestling at
local taverns."  Clearly, this is a game which will go far toward
dispelling the notion that wargames are a pimply-faced white adolescent
male activity.  The author's next game project, "Unchained D-cup Vampire
Leather Vixens From Below Hell" is said to be even more ground-breaking
in this regard.

So, does Golf War work?  It certainly works as a game, particularly
during a convention where the alcohol flows entirely too freely.  As a
simulation, it is a good effort, but is probably not the definitive
historical work that this particular gaming genre awaits.  It will,
however, be the game that all others on the same subject will be
compared with for years to come.  A clear "9+" on the Laurence Review
scale.  Many of us will eagerly await the Second edition, which will
incorporate the "19th Hole Slaughter" module, as well as a sequel using
the same system titled "Polo and Lawn Dart Mayhem", which I understand
will introduce the Tactical Nuclear Weapon rules and give a more
detailed and playable treatment of Ritual Necromancy than Golf War.

PS: I heard that there was some other game called Gulf War, a clearly
apocryphal title.  Such a game would be entirely ridiculous, anyway.

Dustin