Subject: from alt.drunken.bastards Date: 6 Dec 1993 13:20:37 GMT begin ------------- Drinkers Fault Finding Guide Symptom Probable Cause Solution Drinking fails to Mouth not open or Take a six-pack and give satisfaction glass being applied practice in front of and taste, shirt to wrong part of face mirror until drinking front wet technique is perfect Drinking fails to Glass empty Find someone who'll give satisfaction buy you another beer and taste, beer unusually pale Feet cold and wet Glass being held at Hold glass such that incorrect angle open end points toward ceiling Feet warm and wet Loss of self control Move to nearest dog. After a few minutes, complain loudly about its lack of training; demand beer in compensation Bar hazy and out You are looking Find someone who'll buy of focus through the bottom you another beer of your empty glass Bar swaying Unusually high air Insert broom handle down turbulance, perhaps back of shirt due to darts match Bar moving You are being Find out if you are being carried out taken to another bar. If not, complain loudly that you are being hijacked. You notice that the You have fallen over If no one is standing on wall opposite you backwards your drinking arm and your is covered with beer is full, stay put. ceiling tiles and Otherwise, have someone has a flourescent help you up and lash strip across it yourself to the bar Everything has You have fallen over Same as for falling over become dim. Your forwards backwards nose & lips are bleeding You wake to find You have spent the Check to see if it is your bed hard, night in the gutter opening time. If it isn't, cold, and wet. You treat yourself to a lie in. can't seem to find your bedroom walls or ceiling Everything has gone The bar is closing PANIC!!!! dark and quiet